I'm so not constipated. Just had another bout of Highly Explosive Bowels (HEB for the uninitiated).

This makes the screaming even more an immediate need.

I feel like calling her back and saying...so, then if I'm NOT constipated (which I knew was a stupid excuse) what do we do NOW???

And throw in the word Bitch loosely.

Strike That
You know that last post, where I'm trying to be all Zen and clutching at the straws falling quickly from my grasp...

Yeah, that one?

SCREW IT. I am so mad I could scream. Nono, in fact...I'm going to go outside and SCREAM.

Because I feel like a ball of all this energy that is just going to burst.

You want me to wait 21 days to be seen again?! And wait until March for a scan?!

You know...I'm going to go have a cold shower, try to put some polish on the perspective and then scream again...because FUCK man.

What the hell else can I do?

Case Closed
I did call the midwife and she's discussed the matter with my OB who believe this is all just a side-effect of constipation. They're not worried and they feel if I keep my fluid intake high (3 Liters of water per day) that it will resolve itself. I am not to let myself get constipated again and am to eat more dried fruit and/or drink something with bulk fibre like Metamucil.

They feel, as she said, the issue is resolved. Should there be more bleeding, we will re-open the investigations.

As per Pazel's suggest that I'm being too easy on my OB and midwife, I'll admit, I am. Because there just isn't anything else I can do. I could go sit in the office and cry and pout and scream, but it would mean driving myself to the office and sitting in uncomfy chairs and making a scene. Or going into the ED and taking up 1 of their 5 beds and being a nuisance. They have 5 beds...what good am I doing taking up one when there are sick people or hurt kids or people who are truly in real emergencies?

The alternative is to sit a home, with my feet up, taking it slowly and drinking a ton of fluid. Which is exactly what I've been told to do...take it easy, drink fluid.

I could go demand to be seen...and say I'm seen. They do what? What we did yesterday!! Sit on the bed, talk about how the bleeding stopped and get the doppler out. And do what? Not hear a damn thing!! It's too early with an anterior placenta. She doesn't think we'll hear that heartbeat with the doppler until after 22 weeks. As for the scan...it's just not going to happen. I will most likely get a scan in March, and that, as they say, is that. It's just how it works, I don't like it, but I can't change it. My pulse and blood pressure skyrocketed when we didn't get a heartbeat after an hour of trying. She was so afraid I was going to put myself into shock.

I can't explain to you how your body reacts when there's no heartbeat to be found...you go into fight or flight and your body begins to react in the defensive. I couldn't breathe, I went footjobs , I thought I was going to throw up. I normally have very, very low blood pressure. Mine was actually closing in on the critical range yesterday. Scaring me and then not giving me the option of resolution is going to do me more harm than me sitting here twiddling my thumbs.

And you're all right. I could go and insist to be seen and camp out and wait for a scan. With the ectopic scare...I waited 3 1/2 days. I don't want to do that again. It sucked. It was horrible. I don't want to wait in hospital for that length of time. They have limited beds, they've already said they're not going to admit me, and should they admit me, I won't even be able to go walk around. And I will still have to wait the 14 days!!!

I know you all feel powerless and want to help, truly, I know that, but there isn't anything ANYONE can do right now. And if it makes you mad, good, because I'm mad as hell too. I am blinded by intense rage, but I know it's just not going to do me any damn good to get so upset and still get no resolution.

I would do anything for a scan, if I knew it would get me one. Stand on my head, flash my boobs...whatever. But the end result is I cannot get a scan unless I'm admitted or have a referral and should I meet one of those criteria, I join a queue. And wait. They are not admitting me and they are not giving me a referral. There isn't anywhere, short of driving 4 hours, that does private scans. Even if we were to get a private scan arranged, we still have to drive that distance and I just don't feel safe enough doing it with this cramping.

So, we chalk this up to learning I suppose and we wait. It's not ideal by any means, but this is the best I'm getting. It sucks, but I am powerless to change it. Unless I happen to meet a very high-up doctor who can snap his fingers and move the queue line...this is where I shall sit.

It doesn't mean I'm not scared, or horrified or terrified. Or mad. Oh goodness I am. I'm so scared I feel like throwing up. I have no appetite and I have major acid refluxing. But I accept that I can't change anything in this situation...and fighting it and the people isn't going to do me a damn deal of good.

I wish I could explain it better. I really, really wish I could.